What Does A Writer Do When His Writing Becomes Toxic?
Asking for my friend B
Writing about how much they wish we didn’t exist is so draining sometimes. I’m reading all these news stories. I’m chasing Twitter threads. I’m hunting inspiration where ever I can find it.
Everywhere I look, somebody is trying to make sure we arent’ happy. Transphobic women stealing the spotlight at London Pride. Little kids being killed because they might be gay. Kids being bullied and isolated until they think taking their lives is the only option left. Trans people being banned from military service. Transgender women being held hostage at the border. Transgender students having a bill over their heads that could put them in danger. People are fighting over which parts of the LGBTQ community should be kicked out. Something new has happened every time you load up an app or turn on the news.
But Starbucks is going to start paying for more trans–related surgeries — so we should all be happy now, right? We should all go deal with irate, evil, caffeine–deprived people now, right?
Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy that Starbucks is making their health insurance better for their trans workers. It’s unbelievably hard to get gender-affirming surgeries, sometimes even if you have the money. There are so many gatekeepers. That’s why so many people have to travel out of state just to get the surgeries they need.
However, it’s hard to focus on one good thing when it seems like they’re hundreds of bad things. I can’t be happy about Starbucks when Ohio wants to make it a felony to provide transgender students life–saving assistance without parent permission. There are parents killing ten year olds because they could be gay, but Ohio wants to give them control over what a student might need. Ohio wants to turn teachers, who already have too much to deal with, into gender police. They want to put more children in danger. There are people walking into schools with automatic weapons, but Ohio wants to focus on whether a student is transgender and if their parents know. Priorities, right?
I’d be lying if I said it didn’t take a toll on me sometimes. I surround myself with these stories because I want to bring them to your attention. I write about them because I think they’re extremely important. As a young, black, chronically ill transgender man, I have to digest news about black people being killed at an alarming rate, transgender and other LGBTQ people having their rights dangled in front of their faces, and Number 45 trying his best to kill health insurance.
It’s like everywhere I turn, they don’t want me to thrive. What have I done? What have any of us done to deserve this? I know it’s not everyone, but sometimes it feels like everyone doesn’t want us to exist. If they could just ship us off to some unknown island and let us die out, they’d be perfectly happy. Sometimes I just want to throw my laptop in the trash can outside and lock the world out of my life.
Then I think about some of the amazing people I’ve met on here so far like James Finn, Marley K., Eric Griggs, Gwen Saoirse, Gloria Bates, Zayn Singh, and many others. You guys remind me why I picked up my pen in the first place. You remind me that I’m not alone and that I’m not fighting against this alone. You help me to remember there’s good in the world, even if sometimes I can’t see it for all the evil. Thank you for that.
