Gender Dysphoria: A Mental Bully
Dysphoria, Anxiety, Depression–Oh my!
Gender dysphoria is the worst bully imaginable, and it just happens to live in your head.
It’s like someone is shoving your head in a toilet bowl. Your chest tightens. Your lungs beg for air. Your body is screaming that something isn’t right, and it needs to be fixed immediately.
It is most common in FTM and MTF transgender people. However, some non–binary people are also known to experience Gender Dysphoria. This isn’t like when girls are sad their boobs aren’t big enough. This isn’t where people are unhappy with their current weight or lack of muscle. Dysphoria is an extreme discomfort with aspects of your body that can’t easily be changed.
But can’t trans people get surgery?
Yea–After a therapist approves with a letter on some special letterhead and after finding a doctor willing to do it and after scraping up the thousands of dollars to pay for it. Gender reaffirming surgeries are harder to get in certain areas, like the American Bible Belt, the South and in some countries outside the United States and the developed world. Some people can get their medical insurance to cover most, if not all, of the costs. However, I haven’t had any transgender–related surgeries, so I’m not the right person to talk about them much.
Gender Dysphoria is like someone has a plastic bag over your head and is squeezing all of the air out.
It consumes your mind. You look in the mirror and your body doesn’t match what it’s supposed to. You know you’re a man or a woman or a non–binary person, but you’re body looks otherwise. Then you become both obsessed and paranoid over the idea of “passing”. Trans men start to explore the boy’s side of the clothing stores. They grab jeans and button–down shirts. Trans women dare to walk onto the women’s side of the stores and pick out dresses, frilly shirts, and capris.
It’s deeper than clothes.
It’s about how we feel. It’s about our parts — the ones that people in the back laugh about in Anatomy class. It’s about how the world sees us as different than what we are. It’s very painful, and it’s inside your own mind. You can get away from a bully or a person that’s verbally abusive, but you can’t separate yourself from your own mind. That’s what makes Gender Dysphoria so horrible.
Young girls usually can’t wait to hit puberty.
I woke up every morning hoping I had some serious illness that prevented puberty from happening. I didn’t want my chest to grow or any of those other “womanhood” perks. I hated my body. I avoided mirrors like the plague. I wore baggy clothes and even hoodies in the sweltering southern heat. I hated my long hair. I wrote about my first haircut earlier in my Medium journey.
Here it is if you’d like to check it out.
Gender dysphoria can lead to or intertwine with depression. My case of dysphoria in particular led me down a dark path of self–harm and suicidal thoughts during my teenage years. Eventually, I learned how to combat it. It never disappeared, but I have learned how to keep myself afloat.
Here are some of the things I do to help combat Gender Dysphoria:
- Video Games
- Listening to music
- Painting, writing, drawing — or anything else creative.
- Talking to friends
Video Games:
Video games have been my refuge since I was little. I would sit on the floor and stare at the TV with a console controller in my hand until my neck hurt. I still game for hours, but now I’m in a comfy computer chair. I can be whatever I want to be when I’m gaming. I’ve spent way too much on video games in my lifetime, but happiness is priceless.
Music:
I’ve probably given my ear drums permanent damage from all the time I’ve spent with headphones pressed against my ears. I listen to music when I’m gaming, walking to the bus stop, writing, painting, cooking, and whenever else I can squeeze a song in. We have a record player in our laundry room that probably drives our neighbors crazy. My grandmother has a stack of vinyls that’s taller than me hiding in the corner of her closet. She also has a tub full of tapes that I spent a week exploring.
Painting, Writing, Drawing:
The writing shouldn’t really be a secret by now, right? I can spend all day in Hobby Lobby drooling over all the art supplies I can’t afford. I just picked up an easel about a month ago, when they were on sale. I’ve only painted with acrylics, and I’m nowhere near talented. I have a lot of fun throwing paint around and making a mess. I also like to draw crappy graffiti and cartoon characters. I drew my best friend a chibi version of Spiderman because he’s her favorite. I’m trying to teach myself how to draw Black Panther, but progress is slow. I can lose myself in a painting or a drawing for hours, much like I can when I write. It’s just something about being able to express myself creatively that makes all the negative thoughts fade away.
Friends:
I got really lucky in the friend department. I’ve known most of my friends since high school, but we all grew closer after we graduated. I have yet to have a negative “coming out” experience. Everyone was extremely supportive. They call me Brian. They use “He/Him” pronouns, and I didn’t even have to ask them. We joke about how many ladies I can pick up when I get a beard to grow. They’ve never made me feel like I was looking for attention or that I was delusional about being transgender.
During one night where I was battling a mix of anxiety, dysphoria, and depressing thoughts, my closest friend and I were talking about how I was scared to come out to her. I wrote about when I came out to her. I’ll link it in case you’d like to check it out.
She told me I could be a bird if I wanted to. She said she’d always love me and I should do whatever makes me happy. She always pushes me to be who I am. Over time I’ve grown comfortable showing her other transmen and sharing their stories with her. She’s really open to listening and learning along with me.
I know that a lot of transgender people, and LGBTQ people in general lose friends and family members when they come out. The only person in my family that I told was my grandmother. She’s the only person in my family that I really trust and feel comfortable with. I couldn’t be more grateful for her unconditional love and support. I really wish LGBTQ kids and adults didn’t have to worry about losing loved ones. People should love us as we truly are.
Why should we have to hide our true selves?
There are millions of homophobic people, racists, and all–around assholes just walking freely in their true colors. LGBTQ people are scared to hold hands in certain parts of the world. People are still killed for being LGBTQ. They’re being kicked out of their homes, ostracized, and bullied to the point of suicide. How are people okay with that? How do people look at other human beings and think they should burn in hell just because of who they love?
Gender dysphoria kills.
Not being accepted and supported kills. Being ostracized, bullied, and abused kills. People are dying because others can’t accept and tolerate differences. It’s ridiculous.
