Essay Questions and Deadlines
I applied for my first writing workshop lead by one of my favorite authors
Anxiety bubbled in my chest like a pot of boiling water. My favorite spoken word poet, Crystal Valentine, has opened her first writing workshop. I applied for a partial scholarship, so I had to fill out two google forms. Both of them had two opened ended questions at the end. Honestly, I don’t remember the exact wording of the questions.
I didn’t ask anybody to proofread my answers. I was terrified enough, and I knew that if I waited for someone to point out everything I could fix– I’d never turn them in. Even though I didn’t ask someone to proofread it, I still found myself procrastinating. The deadline for the general application is July 15th, and I turned mine in five minutes ago. That’s not really bad (10 days before it was due), but it felt like I had been holding onto it for weeks.
The scholarship application was due June 28th, and I think I turned it in the Monday or Tuesday before. I was terrified; I still am. She’s reading and picking people out herself.
One of my favorite writers is going to read my applications and decide whether or not she thinks I deserve a scholarship and whether I even deserve to attend her workshop.
What if she doesn’t think I’m good enough?
My mind has asked that at least 500 times, probably more. What will I do if I get rejected? Play video games, eat ice cream, and cry a little. Life will go on. It’ll sting, but I’ll recover. (right?) I hope so. She might not think my answers were good enough. Part of me doesn’t. Part of me always wishes I had written better after I hit submit, even on here.
Crystal Valentine is amazing. I’ve already learned from her, whether I get a spot or not. The first time I watched her on YouTube was my senior year of high school. I started writing tons of poetry after that, even though I never dreamed of hopping up on stage. She commands the audience’s attention. Her words dance in your mind and ask you questions you could never answer. Her poetry makes you rethink everything. It’s no surprise that she has a handful of slam competitions under her belt. However, it is surprising that she used to be soft spoken and shy. Maybe that’s why I was so drawn to her after I learned more about her. If she could go from being content in the background to commanding a spot in the center of the stage, then there was hope for me too.
When I first discovered Valentine, I was still in the closet. I was still telling myself I was a girl– just a screwed up one. I refused to look in the mirror. I wore baggy clothes and used them to hide myself. Anytime someone talked to me, I thought they had an ulterior motive. I felt like they either wanted me to do something for them or I would become their new source of entertainment.
Almost four years later, I’m out and pretty proud. I’m not the most confident person in the room, but I’m not always silently wishing I could hide under the rug either. It’s something about the way she challenged everyone when she recited one of her poems. I wanted my words to do that too. I pulled out my notebook and started to scribble my thoughts. I never dreamed that I would be writing on Medium and an LGBTQ website for all of the world to see, but she didn’t know she would be reciting her poetry on stage either until she did it.
