Don’t Tell Me to Just Stop Panicking
Whatever you do, just don’t do that
Just stop panicking
The words hit me like the kick of a steel toed boot.
I read it too many times to count. My lungs beg for oxygen, but I can’t seem to give them any. Tears escape, no matter how hard I fight them back.
Sometimes people just don’t understand. They’ve never paced up and down the hall while begging themselves to breathe. They’ve never felt like the walls were about to come crashing down right on top of them. Sometimes they can’t understand why you can’t “just stop panicking.”
I couldn’t stop. I was speeding down a winding road in a rural area with no breaks. Darkness swallowed the Earth. My heart crashed against my ribs and stayed there. I just knew I would crash.
That’s what panicking feels like, if I had to put it in words. You think I panick because I enjoy it? Do you think I enjoy crying myself to sleep for something irrational? Do you believe I enjoy feeling like I’ve just run away from the cops when I haven’t moved. Well, I don’t. I hate it. If I could “just stop”, I’d never know what panicking feels like every again. I’d be as cool as a glass of lemonade in the back of the fridge.
When someone is panicking or having an anxiety attack and you tell them to just stop, it makes them feel like they should be in control. It makes them feel like they’re not trying hard enough. Essentially, it just makes everything worse because now they’re mad at themselves on top of everything else.
I read those words, and it just made my chest clench tighter. It just made more tears flow. It took me that much longer to be able to breathe. Anger flared inside of me. I began to ask myself, “Why can’t you just quit?” “Why are you always like this?” Soon countless why questions swarmed in my head. I fell asleep like that, badgering myself with questions I couldn’t answer. If I hadn’t already taken sleep pills, I probably wouldn’t have been able to fall asleep at all.
Whatever you do, please don’t tell someone to “just stop panicking.” I promise you they’re trying as hard as they can already.
